HOW MUCH time do you spend worrying about what other people think about you? If you really care, it could be an enormous source of stress. It might drain your energy resources and prevent you from focusing on the things that really matter.
This is not to say that should stop caring completely about the things your peers say to you. Sometimes, people’s opinions can carry some truth. They might point out a thing or two that could help you become a better person. And sincere feedback from loved ones and best friends can be of particular value. They could make you realize that you must take corrective action to save your relationship with them.
However, in most cases, there’s nothing to be gained from dwelling on someone’s opinion. Negative comments about your physical appearance, behavior, and attitude are usually just hurtful. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are many different ways you can stop caring what other people think.
Key Takeaways
- Judgement of any kind comes when we least expect it, and it is ultimately our response that determines how it makes us feel.
- In order to care less about what other people think of you, you have to change how you view the situation. How can you put a positive spin on the situation?
- When someone shares a negative opinion with you, you can hold a grudge and never speak to that person again, but know that this will only cause more suffering.
How to Stop Caring What People Think
In order to care less about what other people think of you, you have to change how you view the situation. Is it possible that they said one thing but meant another? How well does that person know you? Can you agree with that person and continue to listen to them to express care and love?
Only when you change your perspectives can you take charge of your own happiness and live your best life. Over the years, I’ve come to many realizations that helped me change how I look at judgement. Here are my best ones, along with some of my favorite quotes.
1. People Will Often Say One Thing But Mean Another
It’s true that some people don’t put any thought into what they say. Lacking tactfulness, they blurt out strings of words that produce a completely different meaning from what they intended.
What’s worse is that they forget the very thing they said just a few seconds ago. They are unable to differentiate between the sentence they produced in their head, and the sentence they spoke. You can ask them to repeat it, but chances are that they don’t remember.
It’s also possible that they had positive intent in that present moment and that things just came out wrong. Once they realize, they might start caring. As K. Hosseini put it, “And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think that everyone else does too.”
2. Few People Don’t Know You on a Deep Level
It takes a long time for someone to get to know you on a deep level. They have to get curious about your life and ask genuine questions that further the conversation. On top of that, they need to actively listen to your answers and pay attention to how you respond. Humans are naïve in that they draw conclusions about other people without taking the time to get to know them. The things they say and think are based on a limited set of data points.
At MikevanderPoel.com, I help entrepreneurs be the best version of themselves. One of the concepts I talk about a lot is judgement; When entrepreneurs embark on the path least travelled, they often receive criticism from their peers for their decision.
Realize that most people simply don’t have enough information to form an opinion about you. Knowing someone on a deep level is a process that takes a lot of time, time that many people are not willing to invest. If someone judges you, your only choice left should be to move forward no matter their opinion.
Lil Saintcrow put it best, “People don’t really want to know anything about you. They just want to fit you into their little predetermined slots. They decide what you are in the first two seconds, and they only get nervous or upset if you don’t live up to their snap judgements.”
3. Judgement Makes Them Feel Better About Themselves
“Often those that criticize others reveal what he himself lacks.” – Shannon L. Alder
Everyone has insecurities, but not everyone deals with them in a good way. Some take it out on themselves, while others look for leverage and take out their frustrations on their peers.
Because people from latter group constantly evaluate themselves, they can’t help but to compare themselves in domains of attractiveness, wealth, intelligence, and success. When someone is being impolite with you, it probably has less to do with who you are and what you do, and more with the other person’s low self-esteem.
4. People Are More Concerned With Themselves
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Though people tend to be quite different in the things they think about, I believe that almost everyone thinks about themselves most of the time. In fact, I’d say that percentage is as high as 95 percent. Just think about how much time you spend dwelling about past experiences or imagining future scenarios that involve yourself. It is rare that you spend more than 5 percent of your day thinking about other people. The fourth realization that you have to come to is that people don’t judge you for more than a few seconds. When someone looks at you in a funny way or leaves a snarky comment, they probably forget about it a few moments later. People are more concerned with themselves than they are with your flaws.
5. Everyone Has Different Experiences Growing Up
“Growing up is hard. Otherwise, everyone would do it.” – Kim Harrison
How people view the world is largely shaped by their childhood experiences. The way that parents raise their children has a profound impact on how they treat their peers as they grow up. When a parent expresses a negative attitude toward a particular subject, the child will be inclined to adopt the same belief. These experiences lie dormant in their memories until similar circumstances arise—It is at that moment that they pass on their judgement to you. Realize that someone’s point of view often comes from the programming they received growing up. Only because that opinion might agree with their core values, doesn’t mean that it is the right thing to say. You are not responsible for fixing someone’s negative attitude; It is their responsibility to be a good person, not yours.
How to Stop Caring What Other People Think Once and for All
The most powerful counter to judgement is to change your relationship with negative thoughts. When someone shares a negative opinion with you, you can hold a grudge and never speak to that person again, but know that this will only cause more suffering. It’s best to move on from the situation and change your point of view.
An opinion is often just an emotional reaction. It’s in human nature to share your thoughts of others. Whatever the reason, it already happened and you can’t undo it. You may as well try to make sense of it, look at it in a positive light, and find inner peace.
The Best Way to Look at Judgement
I believe that judgement is somewhat like rain. It usually comes when we least expect it. We could be going about our day when we suddenly get caught in a downpour, without the protection of a rain jacket or umbrella. Just like precipitation can catch us off guard, we might end up in the crossfire of an argument when our defences are down. It’s not until hours later that we come up with a clever comeback, “That’s what I should’ve said.”
Rain also takes on different forms. It can be gentle while the sun shines, causing the formation a beautiful rainbow on the horizon. It can also be torrential and erode the foundation of a building in just a few minutes. Or it could be steady and collect itself near the surface level, until one day, the pressure become so significant that a disaster is inevitable.
What’s most fascinating about rainy weather is how it affects people. Water falling from the sky can undertake a negative role, in that it might inspire feelings of sadness. It could bring to the surface a flood of negative feelings that we have been suppressing for some time. On the other hand, people who live in a drought, connect rain with immense joy as it replenishes their creeks, reservoirs, and the water wells. The sound of rain as it patters on the roof plays like a cheerful cacophony to a farmer because it means that the crops and animals receive water.
Judgement of any kind comes when we least expect it, and it is ultimately our response that determines how it makes us feel. You can take a rude comment to heart, or you can abandon the worry of what others think of you and look at it in a positive light. Personally, I prefer the latter. When someone treats me poorly, I like to express gratitude for their feedback. There’s a lot of value to be found in the opinions of others because it allows me to change my way of thinking. Sometimes I even approach it with empathy and tell myself, “This is what they needed to say to feel better about themselves.” I can’t always count on others to respect me for who I am, but it’s up to me how I react. As Vladimir Nabokov said, “Don’t be angry with the rain; it simply doesn’t know how to fall upwards.”